My small ass hometown where the only thing to do on a Friday night is get drunk in the middle of an almond orchard and engage in some HPV collecting activities might have pulled off bringing Tom Hanks to the high school for homecoming in October. He announced on Facebook this afternoon that he had […]
As I countdown the days with dread until my 30th birthday, I’ve been getting sentimental for the time when I could drink all night and feel fan-fucking-tastic the next day or eat an entire large combo pizza without crying in shame 30 minutes later. So I’ve been taking note of all the ways I am slowly but surely becoming an […]
I’ve been told some of the things below from family members, friends, and a random chick standing in line behind me at the grocery store. I have also had some fellow chubbettes confess to me the idiotic things people have said to them. Here are a few gems that stand out: 1. “How can you date/marry/sleep with someone […]
If you haven’t seen Louis CK’s Saturday Night Live monologue from last Saturday, you can check it out here. http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/louis-ck-monologue/2866689 I guess quite a few people are up in arms about his comments on racism, pedophilia, and the middle east. Once something is joked about publicly, it means something is being done about the issue and […]
Why is it that for some of us our bodies just hate this planet? I’m beginning to think Scientology was right, that the Evil lord Zenu sent us here cause I clearly don’t belong seeing as how every spring my body just says fuck it and stages a protest in the form of uncontrollable sneezing, […]
Like the fatty who gets a diet coke with their order of chili cheese fries, here are some examples of the biggest hypocrites I have encountered: Vaping to quit smoking. Now you vape more than you ever smoked: So you’ve decided to quit your pack a day habit, yet that vape pen is permanently attached to […]
1) Being too hesitant at a stop sign: This is the only situation where being drunk behind the wheel would be beneficial.Then people would actually have some balls and just say fuck it I’m going. 2) Someone cuts you off, there’s no one behind you, AND they go 20 mph: God forbid you wait 5 seconds […]
1. Arriving first when meeting up with someone Back in the day you had to sit there and actually make eye contact with strangers while waiting. Now you can just play candy crush and avoid all non necessary human interaction. 2. Meeting your significant other’s parents If I were single, I’d look […]
These are just a few examples, but I’m sure your douchebaggery knows no bounds
You’ve made the choice to pick up some ass widening fast food from the comfort of your vehicle. You make your selection which you will no doubt regret later. But you tell yourself you’ll take an extra kickboxing class this week or make “better choices” tomorrow You finally make it to what you think is […]
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