1. Arriving first when meeting up with someone
Back in the day you had to sit there and actually make eye contact with strangers while waiting. Now you can just play candy crush and avoid all non necessary human interaction.
2. Meeting your significant other’s parents
If I were single, I’d look for someone who’s parents died in a tragic BDSM accident or something when they were like 8. Him being psychologically damaged would be worth not having to tell your life story to some people you will end up hating anyway.
3. Mispronouncing a word out loud
Even if you have a doctorate in mathematics, if someone calls you out for saying EXCETRA and not ET CETERA you’ll feel about as intelligent as a customer service rep at Comcast
4. Someone mistakes you for being pregnant
I’ve gained weight everywhere but my uterus. Thanks for noticing.
5. During a pap smear when they ask you to keep scooting down the table
You’re already wearing nothing but a gown that only comes in Peter Dinklage size, but to add even more humiliation the doctor wants your cooter balancing off the edge of the exam table. We’d all save time if this vag inspector just laid on the ground while you straddled their face.
6. Buying anything sex or hygiene related at the store
I think the creators of Amazon just wanted a way to purchase condoms, lube, and hemorrhoid cream discreetly so they developed the site solely for this purpose.
7. Getting the gender of someone’s baby wrong
98% of the time I’m humoring you when I say your kid is cute. They all look like trolls dolls from the discount bin at Goodwill.
8. Someone says happy birthday or hope you feel better and you accidentally say “You too”
This really shows how much we are on autopilot in our conversations with one another. I’m going to start saying “Titties” instead of “Thank You” and see how long, if at all, it takes someone to notice.
9. Passing a coworker in the hallway
You have to quickly decide whether to smile, say hello, or just stare at the ground. You couldn’t give 3 turtle shits about how their day is going, but to avoid looking like the office bitch, you’ll ask.
10. Saying no to girl scouts (or really anyone selling something)
Why is it whenever you really want a girl scout cookie those mini drug dealers are nowhere to be found, but once you’re trying to keep your ass from jiggling too much when you walk by cutting back, they’re in front of every business from dog groomers to planned parenthood.
11. The tradition of the groom removing the bride’s garter with his teeth
I saw this go on at a wedding for what felt like twenty minutes while his newly appointed in laws looked on in horror. At least you’ll have a heartwarming story for your future kids about daddy getting a nose full of mommy’s sweaty crotch in front of all your family and friends.
12. Having to shit at work and there’s someone in the stall next to you
This is a battle of wills/sphincters. Each of you is waiting for the other to leave so you can take a crap. I avoid this battle by eating plenty of cheese Monday through Friday and save all my BM’s for the weekend
13. Walking in on your parents doin it
The only good part of my childhood was this never happened to me. I just always assume sexy times are going on behind a closed door and don’t barge in. Even when visiting nana at the old folks home, knock first. Why risk it?