Why is it that for some of us our bodies just hate this planet? I’m beginning to think Scientology was right, that the Evil lord Zenu sent us here cause I clearly don’t belong seeing as how every spring my body just says fuck it and stages a protest in the form of uncontrollable sneezing, crippling sinus headaches, and Itchy eyes so bad Ive considered squirting some preparation H in them. I cant let any grass touch my oh so delicate skin and if I spot a tree with beautiful blooms on it that shit is more scary than being a week late for menses. Below are some of my biggest beefs with the histamine rapist known as allergies.
The astronomical cost of allergy meds – There better be microscopic dudes in each Claritin that drop kick pollen and dust for the price per pill. I’ve forgone paying my cable bill because I needed to make sure I had enough Flonase to last the month. If my eyes swell shut I wont be able to see the TV anyway.
Sneezing while driving – Nothing like having to close your eyes while operating a vehicle because a tree decided to float his jizzy love into your nose hole. But its not like anyone’s impatient ass will be safe and pull over cause they have to get to redbox before all the copies of Penguins of Madagascar are taken.
Allergy shots – This is a type of “Immunotherapy” where they inject what you are allergic to into your arm. It all starts with determining what exactly you are allergic to which involves like a hundred pin pricks (tee hee a hundred pricks) on your back where they give you small doses of trees, grasses, animals (I’m guessing they just liquify fluffy bunnies) and even bugs! After they determine what you’re allergic to, they make some sort of death cocktail of shots to give you to slowly make you immune. yeah nooooo! I suffered through this torture for a few years and still can’t frolic through a field of posies like I’ve always wanted!
Contact lenses – Unless you want to look like one of the pictures on faces of meth, contacts are a no no during allergy season. You spent all this money to not look like a geeky dorkmier by opting for contacts over glasses, and minutes after you put them in your eyeballs betray you by becoming more red and irritated than Miley Cyrus’ crotch.
And on a final note I will be selling all my possessions and setting up shop on an iceberg in the middle of the Arctic Ocean where no leaves, flowers, or specs of dust can find me. I’d rather freeze my ass off than piss myself cause of a violent sneeze one more time.