Things that make you realize you’re becoming a grown up

As I countdown the days with dread until my 30th birthday, I’ve been getting sentimental for the time when I could drink all night and feel fan-fucking-tastic the next day or eat an entire large combo pizza without crying in shame 30 minutes later. So I’ve been taking note of all the ways I am slowly but surely becoming an adult. Dun dun dun!

Unwanted facial hair:  I’m a blonde haired Scandinavian but I still have to check every morning to make sure I don’t have a chin hair waving hello at everyone that day. You’d think god would cut me a break for being so pale that I look like a stick of butter with arms and legs, I would at least not have to worry about gnarly black hairs sprouting from my lip.

Upper lip hair. Natures way of saying you should have locked down a husband by now.
Upper lip hair. Natures way of saying you should have locked down a husband by now.

Lower car insurance rates: Gone are the days of cranking up Nsync as high as possible and blabbing with the seven plus people you have shoved into your 91′ Corolla. Now you’re blastin the Michael Buble Christmas album, but your hands are at 10 and 2 and you keep it under 55 mph.

You start contributing to your 401k: Having an 87 year old man hand you your taco twelve pack at the drive thru might give you a wakeup call that you should start throwing some sheckles towards your retirement.

Your pantry is filled with more items from Trader Joes and Costco and less from 7/11: You’re buying things in bulk to plan ahead and reap the savings instead of just having food for the next day (if that) at home. I survived my late teens/early twenties on Cup O’ Noodles, Reeses, and Cheez-It’s.

You attend more baby showers than parties: If I have to play the what kind of shit candy bar is melted in this diaper one more time I’m gonna sneak an actual shit filled diaper in the mix and watch these bitches try and guess.

Hmmmmm I didn't know Nestle made a candy bar with corn in it.
Hmmmmm I didn’t know Nestle made a candy bar with corn in it.

You start using anti wrinkle cream: They all make promises they cant possible achieve, but you figure better safe than sorry and slather that shit on in the hopes you don’t have a Mel Gibson-y forehead down the line.

You select clothing and shoes more so for comfort than style: I used to rock heels, skirts, push up bras, and spanx. Now my closet contains mostly yoga pants, anything that doesn’t require me to shave, and wear a bra only when I absolutely have to (Work and Funerals)

spanx_funny

You’re pinning home decorating, cleaning hacks, and parenting tips instead of shirtless hotties, Yolo quotes and cocktail recipes: Granted my Pinterest boards are now filled mostly with “How to cook a meal without burning the house down” pins, I still keep my cool points with my “chug till you pass out drinking games” board.

No doubt on my 40th birthday I’ll laugh at all this tom foolery I think makes me a “Grown Up”. By then I’ll probably be 3 divorces deep with a botched boob job and a house full of cats all named Channing Tatum.

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19 thoughts on “Things that make you realize you’re becoming a grown up

  1. Hit your sixties and life begins anew! You fad into the background and no one notices you. Every pair of shoes you own are comfortable. Clothing, two sizes: winter, summer. Money? Didn’t have any when I was younger, don’t have a dime now. The Government used it on welfare programs, subsidies and illegal immigrants. Working fast food places insures three meals a day and money for my cats and dog food. Shelter? Outdated, but I’ve got a roof over my head. Last but not least. Friends. Multitudes of ’em. The greatest gift I ever received, multiplied and invested in. I’m the wealthiest person I know. 😘

    I only lied about the fast food work. 😉

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  2. Great list! Visiting with my best friend for lunch eating steak and grilled veggies when we began to reminisce about being in our late teens-early 20’s living on whatever I brought home from my job at McDonalds (also, we never bought napkins or ketchup 😉 ),potatoes, and ramen noodles. Plus all the partying and poor decisions we were both amazed we made it, lol 😀
    I sometimes long for the reckless days of my youth but despite the gray hairs and the odd facial hair my 30’s have been pretty awesome so far.

    Liked by 1 person

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